Bitterness: It's Real Y'all

First, I would like to update my scleroderma condition. Everything is going well and I have been wound care free for a year!  Now onto bitterness...

It's been 3 months since my dad died and it feels like it's been an eternity.  Two boys (very similar to my age) ran a stop sign and hit my dad in his semi truck.  They hit him so hard and in just the right spot that it set the truck on fire.  The coroner stated that he was gone before the fire which is somewhat of a relief.  It's so easy to point the finger at these two guys and say "I hate them." But is this how God has commanded us to be? Absolutely not.  If we continue to think this way bitterness sets in and everything becomes negative. There was a short period of time where I felt this way.  I just wanted to look them in the eye and tell them how I really felt.

The Lord commands us to love and forgive, but how do you do that when someone takes a loved ones life?  You turn to the Bible. The Bible states in Ephesians 4:31-32   "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: [32] And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Do not let bitterness and anger rule your life.  Satan's goal is let you wallow in your hate and turn away from God.

God has forgiven us and we are commanded to do the same no matter what the circumstance may be.  Those boys are not suffering the same way we are but they are suffering too.  One of them was injured and burned pretty badly, but what's even worse is that they have to live with their actions for the rest of their lives.  Can you imagine being 25 and 28 years old reliving everyday that you killed someone?  I know that I will probably never get to confront these two guys, but if I could I hope that I would say and do the right things.  I do forgive them for what they have done and I hope one day they can forgive themselves. 

My dad was an amazing man and I truly believe that he had a home in Heaven with the Lord.  I love you dad and we will meet again!  1 Thessalonians 4:14-18 KJV

For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. [15] For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. [16] For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: [17] Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. [18] Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

Two Shall Become One

Mark 10:6-9 says, " But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’^{[a] 7} ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, ⁸ and the two shall become one flesh’; ^[b] so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. ⁹ Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Shaun and I became one flesh on April 28, 2012 and he knew exactly what he was getting into.  I was diagnosed with Raynauds in February 2012 and he knew things would be difficult.  Neither of us knew what would happen later that year but I knew he wasn't going anywhere.  I know everyone thinks their husband is the best but no one will ever truly know what Shaun has done and sacrificed for me.  He truly is the best husband.  He was in Oklahoma the day I went into the hospital and came flying home when he heard about it (thanks David!).  
There is a country song called "If I Didn't Have You" and one verse says "This life would kill me if I didn't have you. I couldn't live without you baby I wouldn't want to"  This life would not literally kill me but Shaun makes it so much easier.  I can't imagine my life without Shaun and I know that my worst times are when he loves me the most.  I know him like the back of my hand and he knows me as well.  When you are dating someone, you think you know what love is.  Love is always present during the "better" times, but true love shows when the "worse" comes along.  Shaun and I have already been through better and worse and this is only the first year.  If the first year is really the hardest, then I think Shaun and I have it made.

Scleroderma Specialist

On March 19th I had a doctors appointment with a Scleroderma specialist.  Everything went well and she said everything seems healthy so far.  She wants me to start EPO shots that will help my anemia.  EPO is the hormone that kidneys produce to make red blood cells.  EPO shots would help my kidneys create more red blood cells and hopefully help my anemia.  Other than this shot, she did not recommend doing anything different.  The Ace Inhibitor (Lisinopril) is the best way to go for now.  If things get worse an immunosuppressant would most likely be the next step.  One type of immunosuppressent used is Methotrexate, an oral chemo pill.  She said I came out relatively unscathed so I guess that was somewhat good news.
We also got to worship at College Park and the singing was wonderful!  It is so uplifting to be around brothers and sisters in Christ that are always praying for you.  I also got to meet Shaun's cousin, aunt, and uncle.  Shaun's cousin is also an Optometrist so we both got our eyes checked as well.  There are some effects on the blood vessels in my eyes from the seizure and high blood pressure.  He was not worried about any of it and the pressure in my eyes was perfect.
James 1:12 says "Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him."  No matter what we endure on earth, we have to keep our faith and trust God.  As long as we believe, obey, are baptized, and live our lives according to the will of God, we will receive a crown of life. 

Fighting the Unknown

I do not talk about my illness very much, but I think it is important for others to be informed.
On November 7, 2012 everything changed.  I went to the hospital with a severe headache and nausea where I learned my blood pressure was 217/137-basically death level.  A short time later I had a seizure and do not remember anything that happened the rest of the night.  I was admitted into MICU where I had to be monitored because I was on a blood pressure drip medicine.

I spent four days in MICU with doctors running every kind of test you can imagine.  I saw a lung doctor, a kidney doctor, a neurologist, and a heart doctor.  All of the tests showed up negative and obviously the doctors had no idea what was going on.  My kidney doctor, who is wonderful, thought I needed a kidney biopsy.  I agreed and a few days later the procedure was done.  My kidney doctor was 99% sure it was Lupus-an autoimmune disease.

After being released from MICU I stayed in a regular room for six days.  The doctors did not have anything figured out by the time I was released.  My kidney biopsy results were received about a week later.  The results:  Diffuse Scleroderma.  I suffered what is called a Scleroderma Renal Crisis-basically your kidneys fail.  I lost 40% of my kidneys that I will never get back.  Diffuse Scleroderma is the thickening of arteries.  The arteries in my kidneys thickened and no blood could flow through, causing part of them to die.  It is a rare disease that cannot be cured. 

I am doing much better now and continue to improve.  Having support from my family has pushed me through the hardest of times.  I will not feel sorry for myself because having a home in Heaven is my goal here on earth.  The day I feel sorry for myself is the day Satan starts creeping in.  There are still hard days where Satan tries to take over but I know that his way only leads to destruction.  Matthew 7:13-14 states, "Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:  Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."